


The Fourth Dimension: The Smith Show

by lhigginns67



Category: Father Ted, Sarah Jane Adventures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:02:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24845734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lhigginns67/pseuds/lhigginns67
Summary: Sarah Jane in a terrible fifties-set sitcom? Surely, it couldn’t become any stranger than that, could it?
Kudos: 4





	The Fourth Dimension: The Smith Show

INT. SPACECRAFT - LIVING ROOM - DAY

SARAH JANE stands against a brown door. The living room is honey-brown in colour, with an array of seventies furniture. It seems Sarah Jane is alone. 

LAUGHTER. 

Sarah Jane turns. A MAN and WOMAN stand by the other side. They’re middle-aged and dressed in fifties-attire. The man has a tightly slicked ginger toupee, and puffs a cigar. The woman has bags under her eyes, and has perhaps seen better days. 

MAN   
Oh, darling. 

LAUGHTER. 

Sarah Jane glances around - where is the source of the laughter? Just now, she notices her own outfit. Black polka-dot dress, with matching pumps. 

Fourth wall of room cannot be seen. Pitch black. 

WOMAN  
Oscar’s peed all over the kitchen floor, again.

LAUGHTER. 

MAN  
That all?

WOMAN  
If he knows what’s good for him.   
(looks to Sarah Jane)  
Any sign of that tea, Sarah?

SARAH JANE  
(baffled)  
Uh, yeah...sure. I’ll just...

Sarah Jane has no idea where to go, then exits through the brown door. 

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

SARAH JANE looks around. Bog standard kitchen. Cabinet of alcohol is facing Sarah Jane. She approaches a cupboard, and looks for two mugs. 

She’d never seen them before in her life. Or any of this. 

LAUGHTER. 

Sarah Jane has now made the tea. She exits. 

INT. SPACECRAFT - LIVING ROOM - DAY

SARAH JANE enters with two cups of tea. The MAN and WOMAN are sitting in two armchairs, with a small table between them. 

WOMAN  
It’s not as simple as that, is it though, Brian?

BRIAN  
I suppose not.   
(glances at Sarah Jane)  
Ah, tea time. 

Sarah Jane approaches them and places the mugs on the table. The woman lifts hers and blows. Looks at Sarah Jane. 

WOMAN  
Oh, are we out of biscuits? Not to worry, Brian can pop round to the shops later. 

Brian stares at her. 

BRIAN  
Germaine can do it, she doesn’t mind picking the pansies off the roof. 

LAUGHTER. 

What did that even mean?

The living room door opens. GERMAINE strides through. Early forties, kind of bolshy, and dressed in a striped blue blouse. Her greying hair sticks up on end. Germaine walks past Brian and Hilda, and into the kitchen. 

GERMAINE   
Hello, Mother, dear. 

BRIAN   
Decided to pretend we exist now, have you?

LAUGHTER. 

Was this some Acorn Antiques rip-off? 

GERMAINE  
In your dreams.

APPLAUSE. 

VOICE  
(O.S)  
Cut! That’s scene two done. 

Sarah Jane looks around. Germaine smiles, approaching Brian. Hilda clears her throat, and moves away. Conversation between Germaine and Brian is inaudible. Sarah Jane follows Hilda. 

SARAH JANE  
Excuse me?

Hilda turns. 

HILDA  
All right?

SARAH JANE  
What is this? Where is it?

HILDA   
Well, we’ll just be going to lunch in a minute. And then onto scene four. 

SARAH JANE  
Scene four?

HILDA  
Aye, but you’re not in that one, don’t worry. 

Hilda walks away. Sarah Jane looks around. Brian, Germaine, and the DIRECTOR are huddled together, discussing something. Other CREW MEMBERS are tidying up props on set. 

Or was it more like The Truman Show? She had to find a way out. 

A MAN enters and stands before the black wall. Mid-forties, with greying hair. Wearing a priest collar. 

MAN  
Are we enjoying the show?

AUDIENCE CHEERING. 

MAN  
Finally gotten off that island. Not sure how many more cups of tea I was going to tolerate. 

LAUGHTER. 

MAN  
Mrs Doyle, she means well. But-

ANOTHER MAN stands beside the first. Early thirties and brown hair. Also wearing a priest collar. 

SECOND MAN  
Who’s that you’re talking to, then, Ted?

TED  
(sighing)  
The audience, Dougal. 

DOUGAL  
Oh, right.   
(pauses, gradually notices Sarah Jane)  
Ted, there’s a woman over there. 

Ted glances at Sarah Jane. 

TED  
Must just be one of the crew. I’m sure she’ll go away in a minute. 

Sarah Jane steps forward. 

DOUGAL   
She’s coming over here, Ted. 

Ted turns and looks at her. 

TED  
Can we help you, at all?

SARAH JANE  
Yes, could you tell me where this is?

Ted glances around. 

TED  
A living room. 

SARAH JANE  
A living room?

TED  
Yes. 

Sarah Jane glances at Dougal, who is simply staring at her. The brown door opens. A WOMAN enters, pushing a tea trolley. 

WOMAN  
Who’s for tea?

TED  
Not just yet, thank you. 

DOUGAL  
Me please, Mrs Doyle. 

MRS DOYLE smiles, pouring some tea, and passes a cup to Dougal. 

For the moment, all Sarah Jane could do, was be baffled. 

Mrs Doyle turns to Sarah Jane. 

MRS DOYLE  
Father, there’s another woman here. 

TED  
There is, yes. Maybe she’d like a cup. 

Mrs Doyle pours some tea. 

SARAH JANE  
Oh no, I’m all right, thanks. 

Mrs Doyle approaches Sarah Jane with the cup of tea. 

MRS DOYLE  
Aw, go on. 

SARAH JANE  
It’s all-

MRS DOYLE   
Go on, go on, go on, go on...

END


End file.
